Size Matters

June 2, 2006 erinstine

I have recently lost a significant amount of weight.  Enough that people who don't even really know me (like the woman at my laundromat) have commented/complimented.  I feel great and really in control and empowered by the whole thing – but at the same time it's totally weird for me for several reasons.  I have pretty much always been, shall we say, rounded at the edges.  I remember a particular moment when I around ten or eleven – I was at our family pediatrician's office and he told my mother (right in front of me) "Well, she's just stocky."  I wasn't totally clear on the usage of the word – and admittedly it is a very kind way of putting things, but nonetheless I was pretty sure it was not something a preteen girl should wear with pride.  

But like it or hate it (mostly feeling like it was something out of my control), it's a state I'm certainly familiar with.   And now, even though I know exactly what the scale says and I know exactly what size pants I can buy, when I look in the mirror I look exactly the same.  It's freaky.  And, frankly, it makes me understand in some tiny way why some people just can't stop and get themselves into serious trouble like an eating disorder – because it's so hard to change your own image of yourself.  It's certainly easier to change others' opinions of you than your own.

At first it was hard to admit that I was really trying to change anything – I didn't want to tell people I was dieting (oh how I hate that word – I now prefer 'changing my lifestyle') at all.  I think it's because even though I was definitely unhappy with my appearance, for me it's a completely different animal to admit to people that there's anything wrong or that I'm unsatisfied – even if I'm doing something to fix it.  It's different now though – I feel like I've accomplished something and am enthusiastic to tell people (possibly to the point of irritating).

Soooo.  I don't know if this is something that's appropriate for this medium.  It's pretty personal and I don't really talk about this stuff, but it's been knocking around up here for awhile and I can be forgiven, right?  Just remember I'm still very very new.

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